So there’s this Fiona Apple song — possibly my favorite of her songs, for how often it seems to accord with my own thoughts. It’s about craving and reaching and not getting and finding that you were reaching for the wrong thing anyway and what the hell? All of which happens to me a lot.

It’s this thing that happens, when you want, you feel like you need, and then you attach to the first thing that appears to have any resemblance to what you’re wanting. That specific object becomes the entire focus of your desire, and even if it’s getting closer and looking less and less like the thing you actually want, you hang on to it, you convince yourself that it is that thing, or that maybe it’s what you really wanted after all, even though it’s nothing like what you were originally looking for.

Of course there are times when you get something different than you asked for, and it is what you wanted and needed in ways you never would have guessed. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about clinging to the substitute, the paper bag, ignoring your nagging doubts and reshaping your entire mental landscape if necessary, because you’re so afraid that what you really want will never actually come.

I’ve done it so many times. With regard to boys, certainly — almost chronically. Also with regard to jobs, and pretty much any other substantial life circumstance that involves depending on someone else for fulfillment of a need. I don’t like waiting in the void. For all my vivid imagination, I find it really hard to believe that something I can’t see right now might be coming my way.

I’m interviewing for a job this afternoon, which is why this is on my mind. My inclination is to think, “Must get this job at all costs,” and not devote a scrap of thought to whether it will actually be the kind of thing I need right now. I’m combating this by thinking carefully about what I actually do need right now, and coming up with a list of questions to ask that will help me ascertain whether this job is a good fit. I hear tell that some people do that kind of thing as a matter of course — curious, eh?

I have a whole other strategy for combating this tendency with regard to relationships. I’ve just started implementing it, and time will tell whether it’s effective. I haven’t decided yet whether to blog about it, though the fact that I’m mentioning it at all suggests that I’m leaning toward ‘yes.’ Don’t you love hearing about things I may or may not talk about in the future? I know I do. My hint-to-payoff rate is down around 5%, I think. Still, it’s a new year. I may reform.